So I’ve stopped working out because with my job (up at 5:30 and out the door by 6:20) then 2 hours of driving over the course of the day and get home around (6:30-7), and I am just too lazy to motivate myself.
I feel like I look untoned and disgusting. On top of that, I’ve put on some weight. Yesterday I was 94.6. Gross.
Last night I had had enough. My cousin (who is YOUNGER than me is getting married on Saturday (today) and my life must already seem like a mess to them so I wanted to at least LOOK amazing, so in total I had 422 calories. I’ve never (unless it was before I started counting) gone that low. I woke up today and was 92.6, and my stomach didn’t look bloated for once.
Gave in during breakfast. Was doing fine then decided that I could snack on some cereal, which is like crack to me and always my downfall (I am also fairly positive it caused my bloating…because I ALWAYS seem to be bloated), and I feel awful. I am only at around 213 (probably a little more but I logged the amounts of cereal as estimates and I don’t have the power to change it) then noticed my stomach starting to puff out.
So I purged. Not much came out, but the sickly sweet taste when I was purging just made me feel worse about myself. Why did I have to eat that cereal, it’s so bad for me. I still look puffed out, to me anyway. My throat is sore and I feel weird about it, am I really going to turn into that girl?
I know it’s terrible to be on such few calories but I can’t help it. I think with the bloating it makes me feel like I look bigger than I am and that means I need to eat less. I just need to stop eating the damn cereal.
On top of that, the past week an awesome zit has been developing on my forehead that I’ve had before and never fully went away, I guess from stress. It’s huge and red and sore as hell. I’m doing my best to cover it, but you can still see the bump (yeah, it’s that big). Otherwise my face is clear, as it usually is, getting one or two little zits is normal for me but otherwise I have pretty good skin.
I want to be back down to 89.8 or 90, it’s sad because now that will be the only acceptable weight for me. Even though my dr said I need to put on at least 10 pounds. The problem is that I LOOK 10 pounds heavier simply because of my body structure, short with high hips and a big rib cage. It’s unattractive and no matter how much weight I lose I can’t change it. If I looked my weight I think I would be content. But I don’t see a super skinny girl in the mirror, especially not one who looks like she is skin and bones or something.
Sorry for the rant. I literally have no one to talk to, and I just need a friend. This is the closest I can get. The rest I can keep bottled up for now.
